Your Toast Has Offended All Of Us With Its Touching Insight

Man. Wow. Do you think I can step out on the balcony for a second? Make sure to get me an ice cream when they come around. It looks like pistachio. I just want some air. Keith's toast has really upset me. I think it was the way he laid bare some pretty immutable truths about our condition as humans. I'm actually sort of pissed. Judging by the looks over at his table of uncles, I'm not alone in being really irritated that Keith would speak so honestly.

I mean, that stuff about his illness? And finding the true value in life to be spending time with his sons, which, I guess, has been difficult since his divorce? Come on. Not one mention of the Cubs lineup this year. That is an anecdote about hope that is more fitting for this engagement party. I'm surprised Kathleen didn't just walk out when he mentioned that sometimes we have to experience disappointment before discovering real happiness. I can think of no less than three vintage lines from Seinfeld that would have worked perfectly instead. Sure, you might lose the grandmas but oh well.

And the way he used the metaphor of him immigrating here to the great journey that Kathleen and Daniel are embarking on? Way to throw your politics in everyone's face. Really, comparing their journey to the insanely long drive out to this community center would have been excellent. Not to mention a lot funnier. Did we...are they bringing that coffee around to us? What? OK. Just checking.

Who is writing this guy's material? I'm on Wikipedia for like four seconds and I've got a better closer than some crap about the taking the time to make each other smile every day. Who are you to say what's important? Make a somewhat tawdry allusion to the bachelor party and be out. Boom. Speaking of which, is this joker invited to the bachelor party, do you think? I need to talk to Sandwich. He'll know. I'm going to text him under the table. Let go of my arm.