I’ve Called You All In Here To Discuss The State Of This Conference Room

File in, file in. Eric, you can stand in the server room if you need to. Get in earshot. Maybe occassionally peek around Beth’s shawl there to see what I’m laser-pointing at. That’s right, come on in. A melange of sitting and standing is fine, that is actually one of the points we’ll get to in a minute. As long as everyone is in earshot. Where’s Keith? Is Keith here today?

OK, we’ll go ahead and get started. If you can, focus up on the projector screen here. As you can see, the title of this meeting is “This Conference Room: It Is Awful.” The title graphic of the crushed Sprite can is courtesy of Devon, thank you Devon, and is based on the actual crushed Sprite can on the floor over there.

First topic – It Is Too Small. Look at all of us, crammed in here. It’s not good, people. Not everyone can see, many of us are uncomfortable, some are standing in the threshold. There is even a slightly palpable tension between the sitting people and standing people. A small-scale class war. This is unacceptable and unsustainable. We have too many people to convene in here any longer. Even the thought of hiring that intern makes me want start throwing elbows. Possible solutions include: stop meeting as a company, stop meeting in here as a company, move to a new location, downsize staff to match the number of swivel chairs at the table. All worth looking into.

Next item – The Temperature Is Inexplicable. It’s either too hot or too cold. When the hallway is a chilly 55 degrees, this room is a balmy tropical forest. When the adjoining server room is sweltering, this room is a barren tundra. Speaking of which, Eric – can you flip on the fans in there? Thank you. Pardon me. Possible solutions include: install solar panels, stop meeting in here, revive disastrous space heater plan, this time with less precarious positioning and not nested in a pile of papers, and harness body heat to store and release as needed.

Third and final, but certainly not least – It Is A Disgusting Mess. This one should be pretty clear – just look around. By a show of hands, how many of you are pretty sure you are sitting or standing on something gross? One…two…three…OK, let’s do it this way. How many of you don’t think you’re sitting or…just Malik? OK. One. One person. Case in point. I mean, look at this table. Abandoned papers, pencaps strewn across the floor like shell casings on a battlefield. And the food. These are someone’s Thai noodles here. The lime isn’t even squeezed. These rolled up plastic utensil kits may look unassuming, but lo and behold, there is a soy sauce packet in every one of them! What if a client were to place his contract right on this? Can you imagine? That deal would be dead quicker than the spider that’s been dangling from that cobweb for as long as I can remember. Possible solutions: Stop having the weekly buffet in here, stop meeting in here, hire a person to clean it every hour, hire a guard to man the doorway and interview all entering and exiting.

So that is that. We may cover other topics in future meetings, location TBD. Right off the bat, I’m thinking Why Do We Have Parties In Here When It’s Not Fun, All These Cords Are Annoying And Dangerous, and Is There Another, Less Embarrasing Place To Store All These Spare And Broken Computer Parts. We’re going to need to get all of IT up here for a few of those, which will be it's own nightmare, I’m sure.