It's Time To Get Organized On This Life Raft

I'm not trying to be a huge jerk here, but everyone else with a functioning tongue got a chance to speak their mind, so if it's OK, I'd like to address some issues I've been noticing on this raft. Please prop Marlene up.

I've been hearing a lot of rumblings about how we're going to die, about how the relentless sun is eating away at our face flesh, and about how we are so thirsty that some of us started drinking our own bile, super gross. I know that the sinking of our work cruise is still pretty shocking to many of us, even six days later, but I have some ideas to run past you all on how we can make the best out of our situation.

Maybe if we all had little jobs to keep us busy and give us some purpose, we wouldn't be bickering and writhing around so much. Dan, you can collect condensation in the shuffleboard disc. When there's a slurp's worth, you can let the next person in the rotation know.

OK, right off the bat, someone needs to keep Laine from drinking seawater. He keeps trying to gulp it down and then throwing up on himself. Laine, please cut it out. Your hallucinations are getting really grabby.

Next item, someone has to fight off the seagulls. I think you'll agree they are a more immediate threat than the shark sightings. They are really growing in numbers and causing a lot of scary confusion with their perverse circling and horrible shrieks. Actually two people would be better for this task, one to wave the sweatshirt and one to protect our ration of fish bones. I know I've said this before but I know for a fact that one gull landed on my shoulder while I was sleeping and though no one believes me, I am certain it cawed my name but whatever.

Next, we need to clean up. I realize our back scabs keep us in near-paralyzing pain, but we should all pitch in to make this raft more comfortable. Plus I think it'll help boost our morale better than Manuel's unnerving chanteys which literally nine times out of ten end with a graphic mermaid love scene.

OK, here's something important, I am aware there are a few of us that want to be left alone to die. To this faction, fair enough. But we need a way to prevent your moans from upsetting the people who want to live. Don't get me wrong, I think it works out that some of us just want to be dead and are too scared to just drown themselves. Anyway, we all wouldn't fit in a rescue chopper if one happened to notice us.

This is a minor thing...but is anyone else really put off by Andy's journaling? I don't know, he's always in the corner scribbling in this wet little notebook. Even right now he's leering at us and chronicling this with the stupid pencil tip he salvaged. If it's just me on that one then I guess forget it.

Which brings me to a quick side-note...if a chopper or like a fishing dinghy does rescue us, we should chat about what our story is going to be about a few items. Like how Rajesh died. It's clear he got strangled in the commotion over the Pepsi cup everyone was trying to eat. But who strangled him? The important thing to remember here is that there were a lot of limbs tangled up in that melee, the sea was roiling, so who can really know. Another lesson here is that any sea garbage we can catch should be split equally between conscious members.

Final item. Crystal, please don't be offended, but you HAVE to wear your hooded seaweed mask. You know your blistered face is too scary to look at, that's why we threaded that thing for you. I think it's just a known fact that your lips have basically fallen off and I suspect you might be scaring off the curious mackerels that sometimes cluster under the raft. Or maybe just take it off late at night when we are passed out from exhaustion and it's just you and the moon.

OK, Marlene...Yeah - can you - just try to close her mouth, that silent scream is really.... Better, yeah.

Well that's really all I have. Thanks for your consideration on these. I know we don't keep any kind of minutes for these types of addresses, so if you need a reference maybe we can ask Andy for a peek at his precious memoirs.