I'm Just Saying, I'm About To Spin This Scrabble Board Really Hard

Consider this fair warning, everyone. I'm about to lose it on this Deluxe Turntable Edition of Scrabble. If everything goes according to plan, all of your letters will go flying in your eyeballs. Maybe a vowel or two will land in a lemonade, and, if I'm lucky, Dan's disgusting blank tiles will hit him directly in his giant forehead, hence knocking that Triple Word Scoring grin off his friend-of-a-friend face. And, Gail, if you think just adding a "di" on the front of my "agnostic" is some kind of dazzling grammatical display, then here's a diagnostic for you: you are a stupid idiot and these candles smell like constant, tiny farts.

I have flipped more than my share of game boards in my day, so as you can guess, this is not a joke. This turntable will just make it easier for me to ruin everyone's fun, and with any luck, the entire night. I am also considering following up this violent show of anger by dumping the velveteen bag of remaining letters directly into the garbage. The image of Lonnie rooting through my pork chop scraps to collect his beloved "J" tiles is actually making me smile. God, Lonnie, I think I'd do just about anything to humiliate you. That knowledge calms me, it really does. Even so, I'm still spinning this mother in like t-minus a minute. Cover your teeth.

Also, Lisa, I'm sorry to say it, but your house rules suck. Abbreviations I can live with, but acronyms? Are you nuts? You single-handedly let Gail slip into second place with her little "REM" maneuver. And the best part? She has never even heard of the band. She meant it as rapid eye movement. I'm sure if Michael Stipe were here he'd have slapped her hard on the mouth. Well, we're all about to see some rapid movement of these tiles as they fly irretrievably into your radiator.

Still think I'm bluffing? Ask Lisa how last October's Monopoly tournament ended. Answer: in tears. And I caused all of them. Her kid brother Mac is still scared of me and I take that as a compliment. That's what he gets for being a slumlord. People get paid for passing go and he robs them blind with his shoddy housing complexes. Lisa, tell them about how I carefully tore each Community Chest card in half while you all watched in fear? Oh, wait, I just did.